Sober students are not just a myth

Ever woken up after a drunken mess of a night thinking, “Where am I?”, “Who the HELL is that?!” or “Where is my phone/wallet/dignity?” Haven’t we all? Well, no. I haven’t. I’m an Irish college student in her third year who has never been drunk. I’m telling the truth - I’m used to being met with disbelief when I drop the teetotal bombshell.

I don’t label myself ‘straight edge’, I just happen to fit the description. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs. I can practically hear people thinking ‘dry shite’ as I type. That’s probably a fair comment, in some cases. I’d like to think I’m a bit different.

To sum up the pros and cons of not drinking, I’ll go through a typical night out. The gang gathers in whichever house has the most alcohol. People launch into double vodkas and down pint after pint. I’m having the craic and drinking my Lucozade Sport. Invariably, someone comments that I’m “hardcore” or “on a mad one” and laugh their way onto their fourth drink that hour.

When I tell people I don’t drink I get either a blank stare, followed by a swift getaway, or a slightly tipsy version of the Spanish Inquisition. Neither is desirable but people figure I’m like a dog walking on its hind legs. Rarely seen, slightly odd, but it happens.

People presume I’m a serious health freak, a devout catholic, a recovering alcoholic, or Amish. I’m not. I am your average 20 year old.

I have as much fun as anyone who drinks. I am first on and last off every dance-floor. I talk to random strangers. I laugh until my face gets sore. I just don’t need drink to do any of that.

Any student worth their battered laser card will know the cost of a night out. Anything between €20 (Redz and Nightlink) and €200 (Coppers and taxi…plus an accidental bottle of champagne?).

My night out: €5-€10 at the door and a free designated driver coke, cheers Diageo. It doesn’t get much cheaper than that.

With not drinking comes the question, do I really want to go out? Everyone drinks away their asshole of a boss, their late assignment, their bad hair day, whatever. I have to go out knowing all that will be still on my mind. I don’t do four tequila shots and go numb like everyone else. Escapism isn’t as easy when you’re sober.

If a guy offers to buy me a drink (assuming I’m interested), I ask for a coke. The barman eyes me with a look that says ‘I know you have a shoulder of Smirnoff taped to your thigh’. The man that offered to buy the drink has made his exit. He thinks his luck will be slim with the only sober girl in the city.

Not drinking, admittedly, sabotages some potential opportunities. Although, if it means kissing some sweaty desperado who can’t hold a sober conversation, I’d rather not thank you.

Being sober puts me at less risk of being spiked too. Simply knowing where I am, who I’m with and how to get home makes me feel safer.

I must have the healthiest liver in the greater Dublin area. We all know the affect excessive alcohol can have on our bodies: cirrhosis of the liver, increased chances of getting pancreatic, mouth and liver cancer, and in pregnancy, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, which causes serious developmental problems for unborn babies. A very small number of doctors would say anything positive about drinking alcohol.

To a teetotaller, ‘breaking the seal’ doesn’t mean a thing – no toilet queues. My belongings have never been dropped in a toilet. I return home passport/phone/knickers intact and on my person. I never wake up panicked trying to piece together flashbacks of me running down O’Connell Street with a traffic cone.

I have never vomited in public. I have never had to stop a taxi for any type of bodily function. I have never had a hangover. Ever.

Have a night off, your liver will thank you for it.