Isolated & Destroyed: If I’m not feeling any less sour

I spent the summer in Canada. Big fucking deal I know but it is important with regards to putting what comes next into context and if we don’t have context where would we be? Not even Mexico my friend. That was a reference to the Simpsons, a TV show we both enjoy. Doesn’t if feel like we’re proper mates now? Now I don’t feel so bad for drinking some of your cans.

While I was in Canada (I have to keep having to reminding you I was there because this is print and you cannot see my I-was-in-Canada-on-the-Student-visa hat. It is sort of like a pope hat but it has a Maple leaf on it. I used it to beat a man to death in the chipper recently because he thought my spice burger was “bent”. I didn’t even wait for him to clarify what sort of “bent” he meant, I just took off my hat and hammered him into the ground.) I went on a date.

A date with a girl from Craigslist (a free online personals thing). Anyone who has seen me in person knows that not only do I look exactly like the person who has to turn to online dating, I also look like I will eventually have my face on the news with “online dating murder ends in sheep rampage” under it. As they say in the west of Ireland, I am an “unfortunate looking” person. I am also intensely shy and use hostility as a defence mechanism. Not exactly adding up to Joseph Gordon Levitt here. No pity required, I just know I write like a handsome man and I didn’t want you too be confused when she had no interest.

By the way, very funny. I know Craigslist is known for it but she wasn’t a prostitute. I am nearly certain she wasn’t a prostitute. If she was though she was a really really rubbish one. Like profoundly rubbish. No, she almost definitely wasn’t. So that’s cleared up. I think.

She did turn up drunkish with an empty bottle of cider though. And she was pretty disgusted I had to ask for a fork in the sushi place we went (Sushi is a lot more common in Canada, where I lived for the summer. Remember?) She was bummed out my accent was not stronger. She had super pretty eyes which she covered in sunglasses 95% of the time. She got mad I keeping cutting my stories off halfway through and apologising for being boring. She was quite happy to talk about Twin Peaks for ages which was fine with me. She did not enjoy my comparing it to the OC. I supposed I’ll have to remember that in two years time when I am high enough to try internet dating again.

Both of us were being dangerously quirky.I had been lulled by cutsey independent movies to think that the second we awkwardly sat together on a bench faith would take over.. She would start talking about Star Wars, Jim Jaramush would arrive with a handcrank camera and the Shins would roll in on a flat bed strumming away. It didn’t. All we were was two awkward nerdy people trying to look cool in front of each other. They should put a warning on the recent crop of Garden State style movies, if you try to pop-culture-banter and self-consciously-weird your way through a date you just look like a total dick.