How cheap is too cheap? Tesco Value swiss roll

28c, 20gs

So… a Swiss roll, then?

NO. It’s not just a Swiss roll. It’s a 28 cent Tesco Value Swiss roll. There is a distinction. The packaging of a high quality chocolate Swiss roll would allow it to withstand a half hour walk home from Tesco without melting.

The packaging of the Tesco Value Swiss roll, however, had to be peeled off , taking roughly four cent’s worth of the roll with it. Used toilet paper comes to mind - it made the experience harrowing.

My friend and I looked down at the roll with trepidation. We left it sitting on a plate for three minutes before he tentatively cut the first piece. I asked him how it was and his grunted response of “alright” prompted me to follow. As I took my first bite all my fears melted away along with the chocolatey-vanilla in my mouth.

At 20gs, it’s a quarter the size of a normal Swiss roll, so buying it for parties is out of the question. It’s a cheaper alternative to a chocolate bar or a packet of sweets, though. It’s a bit dry but it’s no carpet. Clumsy folk know what carpet tastes like.

So then what happened?

I went to play some astro-football at eight having finished the Tesco Value Swiss roll at seven. As I got into my friend’s car I could feel my stomach churning. I wasn’t sure, though, whether this was the Tesco Value Swiss roll’s fault or merely the thought of the Facebook message an ex-girlfriend had sent me earlier in the day.

Having come through football without sharing my Swiss roll with the other nine players I’m inclined to absolve the Tesco Value Swiss roll of all blame.

That being said, I enjoyed my other purchase from Tesco far more - the three Mighty Ducks movies for a fiver. QUACK!