Valentine’s Day seduction job

Viper

A woman’s mind is an enigma capable of delivering emotionally piercing insights into your life. I once had a shit Valentine’s where I took this young whan from Balintool over to the cinema job and I cried at the end of Stuart Little 2. Little did I know she’d secretly seen my tears under the glare of the silver screen. Later that evening in an unrelated argument, she told me to “Go cry to mammy like ya did at the film hey.” It was the single most crushing thing I’d ever had said to me and serves as a warning to other hard lads in relationships: No matter how much you want to, never ever cry.

Boogenhagen

There’s one lad in Castletown known as Cosy Joe cos he was jockeying five women up simultaneously for about two months before he got shopped by uncle Facebook when he was tagged in a picture necking Misty Mooney down The Wallhopper. It turned out one of his other birds was in the foreground. His problem was he wanted to run with the hare and hunt with the hound. There’s no way ya can be doing any of that shite these days. I’m just grateful for what I have and enjoy visiting different nearby towns at the weekend to try and score nice women. I usually impress girls with my knowledge of military history and Russian spy tales. The spy tales are fictional.

Eddie

If it’s a first date, take it smooth but play it cool. Remember, the stakes are high and a favourable result could yield easy-riding. Dennis Hopper shtyle 24/7. Try to charm her with fancy talk and maybe perform bicep curls sporadically through the course of the evening. This will prove your masculinity on a more subconscious level. If she resists your advances try using the trusty old words of Arnie in Total Recall: “C’mon baby. You know you’re the girl of my dreams.” It always wins them over. Make sure to have a CD back at the gaff with tunage that she can relate to. Out with Benni Benassi and DJ Alligator, in with Usher and all that R&B shite. Mary J Blige job.

French Toast

Try to look at the night as a title fight between your mind and your dignity. I like to play the romance game and go for the chase but more importantly, I fuckin’ love the sauce. It’s a great way to get the ice broken and lubricate the silver tongue but must be limited to avoid rowdiness. My recent experiment speed dating also provided me with an insight into the female mind. During a lull in one conversation, I falsely claimed to have been present at Pierce Brosnan’s wedding back in 2001 at Balintubber. The banter immediately picked up and a lesson learnt. If you don’t have any impressive tales about yourself, insert yourself into already impressive ones that have really happened. This will win her over. Be careful not to let the fibs turn into a web of deceit.

Buzz

I’m not braggin’ but I’m, how should I say, pretty slick when it comes to the ladies. I put it down to my style which is a blend of Polish vibes (that’s brown leather loafers, bootcut jeans, open shirt with the raised collar) and some smooth moves. I run a hip hop night every Saturday with a couple of lads from Burundi who aren’t that good at rapping but they wear all the gear like so they look American. Basketball jerseys and chains like. What’s also weird is that they both have mercs but they don’t have jobs. Anyway, our hip hop night Bomb Ass Joes brings in a lot of sweet booty from neighbouring townships and I usually find that I can woo the hotties on the dancefloor with some poppin’ and lockin’ or some breaking. If you’re not fit enough to do that, be careful not to look like a tit.