By Laura Cronin
“Cmere and I shift ya…” If someone utters those five magical words to you, you’ve either landed the love of your life in Coppers, or have run into one of the Rubberbandits after a gig. Either way, a shift is a shift. Something myself and my friends have been lamenting over recently is the luck of the draw when it comes to your kissing companion. Shifting is something that should be second nature to everyone, yet there are these beasts who roam the bars and clubs of Ireland who couldn’t produce a good shift if their fantasy football league depended on it.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they shift. More specifically, you can tell if you’re going to end up horizontal with them any time in the near to distance future. A lot depends on that first kiss; too gentle and you’re a pansy, too forceful and you’re a rapist. By this stage of your lives you should be able to gauge a situation, and what would be appropriate or not.
People have a lot of opinions when it comes to bad shifts and I think we all agreed that the “Washing Machine” is the worst type of shift. I thought “washing machine syndrome” only existed with 16 year-old boys who just get way too excited, panic and decide to take advice from the Sugababes (never a good idea by the way) and go “round, round”. I met one of my friends immediately after she had unluckily encountered this type of shift a few weeks ago. There was so much drool that some landed down her top. She was crying tears of disgust and shame.
Another, ahem, technique, that doesn’t do it for most well-adjusted people is the “Giant Poking Device”. Derived from an episode of Friends, this use of apparatus is simply unforgivable. Both in the shifting and sex sense, a boy should never, EVER, poke his way into anything. I heard of someone in this situation during the summer; nice boy, good kisser, then when things were getting serious he said he’d just “ram it in”. Do and I’ll vomit on you.
The most potentially life-threatening is the “Bitey Teeth”. Just because you have teeth doesn’t mean you have to use them all the time. If it’s not teeth scraping the tongue, it’s all out “sexy” biting of the tongue. There is nothing sexy about having a prosthetic tongue at the tender age of twenty you clueless bastard.
Finally, a special mention should be given to the “Dead Tongue”. Now, I’ve never been a victim of this phenomenon, but my friend tells me its like shifting a wall. I’ve never done that either, but each to their own. While most bad shifts are about being too aggressive and over-enthusiastic, this one is the exact opposite. Shifting is a team sport; no one player should do all the work.
After talking to a lot of my friends before writing this, it struck me about how people love talking about a bad shift. A story even came up about one of their best friends who’s so well known for being a bad shift that everyone has been there just to see how bad he is. Now that you know what might make you bad, go forth and share your newfound knowledge with someone in Coppers. Spread the love.