Recently, an article on venerable website CollegeTimes.ie detailed a guide to one night stands for men. Most men, however, want nothing of the sort. When we go out for an evening of boogying and jiving (as the kids these days seem to call it) love is the first thing on the mind of any button or stud. So lay-deez, here’s a foolproof guide to netting yourself a cod. Or taming a stallion. Or talking to a member of the male inclination.
What you’re looking for is a guy who may have some issues, like eating bread with no crusts, but underneath is just waiting for a big, sassy gal to make his world whole. An easy test is to ask him what the square root of sixteen is. If he can do basic maths, you’re onto a winner. If he asks you how sixteen can have roots when it’s clearly a number, not a plant, move on.
Prime candidates for love include guys who have nice hair, guys who have matching socks (having a passion for fashion is a strong base for any relationship) and guys who have good, strong ears. Unfortunately, not all men have hair, or socks, or even ears. Never fear though, as nice guys with good socks are in plentiful supply at a variety of venues, such as clubs, pubs, or working in clothing outlets as mannequins.
When you’ve got your guy, it’s time to make your move. This is crucial, as most men will be terrified of being approached by strange women, especially ones looking for – gasp! – a conversation. You need to be careful. Approach slowly, and talk in a calm, soothing voice. Keep your palms outstretched to show that you don’t have a knife or a hard piece of cheese to throw at him.
Now, get in there with the jokey smooth talk and smooth jokiness. Make sure to compliment his freshly pedicured nails and mammy-combed hair. Guys just can’t resist a charmer and soon he’ll be swooning all over you (try not to get any of his swoon on your shirt, it stains).
Once you’ve wooed him with some slick chat and jazz hands, it’s time to go in for the kill. Lean over him slowly, rub his left elbow and breathe these words into his ear (if he has them). “Wanna come back to mine for a bitta tea and toast?”
After he has calmed down (which might take a while) get him on the back of your pushbike ASAP. Once he’s in your house, don’t waste time with foreplay or any of that nonsense. Get that kettle on and that fire lit. To ensure that he knows he’s wanted, give him plenty of reassuring smiles, cake and, if you’re really coming on strong, a sod of turf. Nothing says love quite like a freshly cut sod straight from the bog (although you might want to save this for Valentine’s Day – don’t want to bring out the big guns too soon).
At this point he’s going to be almost comatose with joy. He may not be able to move with sheer happiness. Be prepared for this and let him curl up in your embrace. There’s nothing the fellas love more than melting into a woman’s big strong arms. Make sure to stroke his hair and his shins, the two most sensitive parts of a man’s body.
When he’s fallen asleep it’s time to give him a nice blanket and let him spoon you for a full, refreshing night’s sleep (the two of you fully clothed of course). Always make sure to wear protection, just in case. A bulletproof vest and helmet will usually do the trick, although occasionally a riot shield may come in handy.
The morning after it’s time to cycle your man home. Be a true lady and drop him to his door, just to make sure he’s okay. Swap phone, house and exam numbers. When saying goodbye, make sure to give him a good firm handshake, just to tease him a bit. The most successful nights of love are those that end with either a good handshake, or, if you’re feeling kinky, a high-five. Just make sure to wear gloves. Don’t want to catch any sneaky STB’s (Seriously Terrible Bunions).