Mantalk #8

This week Craig claims he knows how to talk to girls and Seán is sick of our elitist attitudes…

“Foreign b*******, comin’ over he-ore and takin’ ou-ore f*****’ jobs, if they all f*****’ left there’d be no recession”.

My child, are you talking about your fellow Europeans who are free to roam Europe, working, just like you?

Why would you travel for work when you have all the amenities and perks you need within walking distance from your publically funded dwelling. €3 Tuborg on tap in the local battle cruiser (boozer); bookies next door; free bookies pens for the kids for school; sound barman who laps up your insightful conversation as to how the recession ruined your life, as you pull your iPhone out of your pocket to show the bar a scan of 16th child.

“Has he’s fadder’s legs for de football, knowharmean? €130 extra Mickey money (children’s allowance) a month, gonna buy one-a dem ‘lectric smokes for meself and herself ”.

Fianna Fail – b*******; Garda – p*****”. Publicly funded tattoos, one around his heart ‘Ma/Celtic/Éire’, another of all of his ‘childers’ names up his arm with his own on his wrist, just in case he forgets it when he’s signing on.

“No, dem ‘sylam seekers, or whatever ya call dem – up in Mosney.”

After a few short internships in the University of Mountjoy and years of collecting the Margaret Thatcher (scratcher), you sir, are a bigger cost to this country than any asylum seeker or “foreigner”. Just because you are Irish doesn’t mean you are supreme, especially when you tuck your Addidas tracksuit bottoms into your socks. Sorry, Anto, you don’t get to dictate who comes in and who goes out.

No one has the choice as to where they are born, what skin colour they have, how they speak, how they look or what family they have. No one truly understands what it takes to leave one’s mother country in search of minimum wage work in a country that you are forced to live as a second rate citizen, unless it has happened to them. I don’t think Anto’s children’s skillset would suffice in deepest Chad; there just wouldn’t be enough choice of cars for 16 kids to hotwire.

I don’t want Ireland to be the country that refuses humans entry because of cash constraints, money shouldn’t be a factor in this case, ever! We have the opportunity to create a multi-cultured diverse Ireland; together we can stand stronger to create happiness, not hate.

So we all went to primary school, yeah? Well I hope so… And then there was secondary school and now college. Some got to experience girls AND boys in a mixed-secondary school; but if you were unlucky like me and stuck with a group of over-grown, sloppy apes, all walking down the corridor, one dirty ‘ronnie’ after another, then entering college life has been a real treat, eh?

So many fine women in only a handful of buildings – what’s not to like?! I don’t want to come across as being a sexist piggy, considering we just had International Women’s Day – we don’t need another one, no offence – but this is Mantalk. So moving on, we all want to meet new people and go up and talk to that young one or that lad, that is absolutely B-E-A-UTIFUL! But how?

Did you ever read the book, ‘The Game’? I suppose this is more geared towards lads and basically how to ‘pick up girls’. Now I purposely say ‘pick up girls’ because it’s an absolute load of shite! I only read about a third of it and sure look at me…wait I’m single..maybe I should read the rest of it? No chance!

Sure your man Neil Strauss is an American, and we all know that cheesy pick-up lines – ‘Openers’ as Neil calls them (yeah g’lad) – don’t work on the Irish women. Too much class for that.

Firstly, the psychology behind it that explains how different techniques can’t really be supported (in my opinion). For example, ignore the one you really want and focus on her friends to build a woman’s lust for you. I mean, if I was to ignore you every day and only talk to your friends you’d think I was a dick, not attractive. But anyway, The Game is a worldwide best-seller and our good friend Neil even does workshops for hungry, hungry men with absolutely massive…wallets!

Why would you learn off conversations? Sure that’s harder than doing assignments! Imagine, after a few cold ones and you’re heading onto Harcourt Street: at this stage I can barely remember my date of birth for the bouncer, never mind anything else! I’d end up telling some young one my date of birth and using the opener on the bouncer!

But all is not lost, this topic spurred me on to look into the ‘Art of Attraction’, as they call it. And a few practical tips have come into view, I even found a way to be attractive without even talking, now that would be handy!

Ok, let’s start with non-verbal attraction.
1. Point your toes/torso at the person you’re interested in while they’re talking to you. So on the morn of the B & E Ball, as I’m writing this, any ladies out there reflecting on the night, if his toes weren’t staring at you, you were never getting that shot.
2. Use the triple nod (oooohhh!). By nodding three times consecutively as someone speaks, you’re subconsciously telling them to continue, showing interest. But don’t be going around nodding like a racehorse (keep your tongue in too).

Silence isn’t for everyone – I know, so if you’re looking for a nice old chat, here’s a few tips from the psychologists themselves.
1. Ask questions about what they find important and push their ideas a step further – ask ‘why’ and ‘how’ more than ‘what’ and ‘when’.
2. Commit to total engagement – don’t be looking around for something better, clearly showing how bored you are by her dull Naas accent, or her opinion about the latest episode of ‘New Girl’. Give her a chance. Time it so if it’s still brutal after a set amount of time, say you have to go.

At the end of the day, I don’t believe that any psychological theory will assist you too much in finding your one true mate. It may help you in pulling a dirty stinker in a nightclub but that never results in any type of a quality relationship. Be yourself, who really cares? Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. So whenever you’re building up the balls to talk to someone or in a situation like that just think ‘Who cares’, you might never see that person again so go for it! Give them all the YO you can LO!

That’s a wrap.

Seán Ó Grifín and Craig Sutton

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