ASK AUNTIE KLAUDIA…

Resident Agony Aunt, Auntie Klaudia solves the problems of the day. Be careful what you ask her, you might not like the answer!

***My boobs are small, should I get implants?***

Dear Jess,
The fact that you are asking this question indicates that you already know the answer. If you are happy that men look past your iron board chest in search of something a little more, well, voluptuous then no. If you are sick of your concave chest then jump on a plane to Poland, where surgery to make you look less like a boy is much cheaper.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***My brother keeps trying it on with my friend but has a girlfriend what do I do?*

Dear Anon,
This is a difficult one. Your friend is obviously much better looking than your brother’s girlfriend. Are you jealous that your brother fancies your friend? Do you fancy your brother? If the answer to that question is no then leave them to it. If however, you fancy your brother I wish to remind you that incest is a criminal offence. If you are going to get into a relationship at least keep it on the down low.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***My friends hate each other but don’t know, should I tell them?***

Dear Popular,
Please do. Make sure you time it right, get them drunk and leave them in a room together. Then drop the bomb and tell each one of them what the other said. Don’t forget to record the fight that ensues and email it to AuntieK@dcusun.ie.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***How do I tell my roommate that I can’t stand living with her? It’s such a difficult subject to broach. What’s the best way?***

Dear Torn Up Inside,
Firstly, what sort of a name is that? Secondly, why open yourself up to an argument. Wait until she goes out, pack her bags and change the locks. It’s easier all round. Bonus points if it is snowing.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***I just can’t keep my pants pulled up and my hair looks like a photograph of an explosion. WHAT CAN I DO?***

Dear Cathal,
Firstly, don’t you use capitals on me- Rude. Secondly, take a trip to Penney’s where you can buy both a belt and a hairbrush for under €5. Use them wisely.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***My roommate keeps smoking her crack pipe in my presence and it’s really annoying me. How do I tell her to stop?***

Dear Tina,
I think the real question is why are you being so annoying? If you have a problem you should probably just leave. Maybe a bit of crack might loosen you up. Joke…
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman. He came home with make up on his shirt and lipstick stains on his collar. He has always been very sensitive about his sexuality and gets very embarrassed when we’re in public but at home he is the best boyfriend ever. Am I being paranoid? Should I end it?***

Dear Cathal,
Shame on you for jumping to conclusions. He’s probably cheating with a Drag Queen. It’s not fair to leave him because you aren’t satisfying his needs. Make it work, buy a wig.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***Sometimes I harbour murderous thoughts about people. In my dreams I imagine pushing people under buses or poisoning their food. In the dream their faces change but their names remain the same and I have to see these people i my workplace all the time. It is becoming increasingly difficult not to act upon these urges! Please help.***

Dear Tazera,
I too have been in this position. The only way to stop these dreams is to act out the urge on the subject of the dream. In your case this would be the person whose name is recurring. Tip of the day, don’t get caught or you will end up behind bars answering peoples annoying queries as a full time job, like me.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***Everyone is stressed including me and the only solution I have found is pizza. How do I stop myself turning into a whale?***

Is this even a question? Who eats carbs these days? Buy a salad.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***A guy I like only texts me when he is drunk. What can I do to make him want me all the time?

Dear Anon,
Maybe you could keep him in a permanent state of intoxication? Too expensive? Then maybe you should try to find a man who doesn’t need beer goggles to find you attractive. I’m sure if you look hard enough you can find at least one.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***I think I’m pregnant.***

Dear Worried,
I don’t think you quite get the jist of what an Agony Aunt really is? It’s quite simple really. You ask a question, I impart my wisdom. The above is a statement, note the lack of question mark (?). As for your impending pregnancy, you know what to do, hang up your heels and pull out your milk expresser.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***People always talk to my boobs. How can I stop this??***

Dear Double E,
I think the question you should be asking yourself is why would you want to stop this? Think of all the time and money you could save not buying makeup or doing your hair if all people look at is your boobs! A dusting of glitter across your chest and you are good to go!
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

***What colour should I wear with yellow?***

Dear Big Bird,
That is completely up to you. Would you like to look like the famous McDonalds arches or a bumble bee? I favour Corn on the Cob and usually wear green with my yellow but as I mentioned, its all down to personal taste.
Auntie K. Hugs and Kisses XO

Claudia Gocoul

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