How to Survive Freshers’ Flu

Fresher’s flu, the painful phenomenon that takes over your body and reminds you that four nights of
consecutive drinking has consequences, but it was worth it because you got the shift in Ryan’s. I’m genuinely convinced that contracting freshers’ flu has the same affects on the human body as injecting horse tranquiliser would, they both take you down like a ton of bricks, but to be fair, so do those dodgy paninis in the canteen. It has to be said though, there is something about freshers’ flu being able to take down the strongest of people, from half of the men’s GAA team to most of the ultimate frisbee squad, you go from downing shots of tequila to swigging Calpol in the back of a lecture hall just to get through the hour-long lecture.

I don’t think I have ever actually recovered from freshers’ flu; there are just precious and short-lived periods in life when I don’t have it. So unfortunately, if you were reading this in the hope of finding an answer to your recently declining health, sorry. There are the obvious things you can do to prevent fresher’s flu, especially if you’re constantly coughing up a lung, it might be an idea to lay off the cigarettes, or even the vapes. However, I know that seems like an extreme ask, so perhaps changing vape flavours at least counts as quitting. You are technically starting over. Also, rumour has it that a nutritious and balanced diet can be a contributing factor to your health, try swapping out the chicken tenders for some vegetables, or at least eat the peppers in a spice bag.

However, what I will provide you with is my very own witty and completely useless DCU
style broth. A DCU-oriented homemade recipe that brings together all the iconic elements of
our beloved college. A variety of ingredients, add a bit of water (not the Larkfield water), give
it a shake and boom, freshers’ flu is only a memory.

The unrealistic freshers flu recipe: (not safe for human consumption)

  • 420 ml of an arts student’s overpriced coffee (the amount seems somewhat fitting)
  • 2 drops of sweat from the cheek of DCU’s finest GAA player (a sub obviously, because the main players are probably way too busy lifting weights or chatting up a first year)
  • The scent of an engineering student’s cologne (so Lynx Africa)
  • Half a mushroom that’s growing from the roof of the Henry Grattan building (we can leave the other half to maintain its “earthy” charm)
  • 1 cup of “cop on” that all law students feel they have (might be hard to get…)
  • A handful of popcorn from the helix (I’m not exactly sure what other help that place could be)
  • 3 pieces of a crumpled-up parking fine from the Hampstead carpark
  • A lock of hair from Gary from Nubar’s head
  • 2/3 test tubes of any sort of liquid experiment from the science building (surely something in there must helpful
  • 4 buttons off President TOD’s shirt
  • The remaining crumbs of some Nubar tenders
  • 7 of the balls from inside the bean bags in Larkfield’s common room

I’m not saying to go out scavenging around campus, breaking into an engineering
lecture, asking them to rub their lynx-soaked necks on you to cure your fresher’s flu. It also doesn’t seem very ethical to tell people to snatch the buttons off TOD’s shirt, even if it does seem to be the only thing he wears. If I’m being honest, this has been in no way helpful, but hopefully it has lifted your bleak freshers’ flu mood. Perhaps so much so that people can stop storming through the U and bumping into the innocent first years who are now terrified of every older person they meet.